I told myself a lot of things. I promised myself so many empty promises. I told myself not to sigh or fall into despair that I must always stay positive and never give up no matter what. I always told myself to not be rude to my parents, to always respect them, at least on the few special days like their birthdays and Hari Raya. But, I've never kept these promises. They're broken year after year...

Today's my dad's birthday. I was so fine the whole day. Eventhough there's this awkward moment this morning when I gave him the present since my mum was the one who asked me to do it then and she sorta fought with my dad last night. I was ok. Watching tv, reading Tallie's 'novel' and doing chem and all. While I was in my brother's room, I found a long forgotten present my eldest bro gave me on one of my previous birthdays. It was a fantasy short stories book. Well, I love fantasy stories very much, so while watching Extreme Makeover, I thought I could read the introductions page as well as a story or two before I do my work. But my dad had to interrupt and ask me, "Why are you reading a storybook? Shouldn't you be revising?" I was starting to get frustrated then. I'm just the kind of person who can't be pressured, forced, agitated, provoked and such la. I replied that I'm just gonna read the intro and a story or two. Then he starts suggesting I go and do my Maths and lectured me on my Maths mid-yr results. Maths! Maths! Maths! Hearing it can already make me puke ok! Everyday got Maths in school not enough meh? I stayed till 5 plus to finish my Maths assignment5 on Wed not a step meh? It's very irritating! I told him that I just did my Chem TYS (which I really did for a few MCQ qns of Electrolysis) and that when I'm in school, I do the exercises Mr Yong gives us and when I'm at home, I do the past year papers we're supposed to do. Just as I said it, my dad challenged me, "So, if you do so much Maths, how come still fail?" Grr... I decided to retaliate and said that my problem with Maths is that I take too long to answer a qns (which is actually just part of the reason la) and geez he just had to reply, "Then work on it!" I just had to pass somesarcastic remarks as I threw thefantasy book as hard as Ican in my bro's room. I have no idea where it flew.

Some people may think, "Oh normal what. So?" But I hate being asked to do the things. I had alreadsy planned to do Maths over my weekend and I'd told myself I'd join the weak students for Wed lessons when they revise the whole book from the start. I thought for today I'd do some Chem qns and the Eng ws. As for the Malay compo, I thought I'd fit it somewhere tonight and tomorrow morning. But now, HE MADE ME SO STRESSED I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE STUDYING AT ALL!!!!! Why must he provoke me?? He kept saying, "Go and ask your bro Maths qns" day after day! Like what qns?? I haven't even do the ws and how'd I know which I can do and which I can't. This is so infuriating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My life is always planned. It's not as controlled as some teenagers out there but there's always this plan set for me! It's not like I'm restricted or something, but it's just that my plans are always ruined because there's last minute decisions. It just makes my blood boil! (Btw, remins me of Siti's qns, at what degrees do blood boils? Honestly?) My schedule is so tight.

Btw, getting back to the first para. The other day was my mum's birthday. I was trying to be kind, to be helpful, to be cheerful on that day and the next. I failed alright, I failed. My mum asked me to sms HER friend to ask her to e-mail me a pic she wants. I was happily blogging that day (look at 1st July or 30th June entry where it's cut short) and she had to spoil the mood. Can't she call her friend instead?? Well, obviously no. So ok fine, I was pretty angry at why she can't do it and my mouth just shoot off. I said a sharp bold "Later" and my mum got so mad at me that I don't care about her birthday, that if it's our birthday she gets things done (I didn't know what to buy her. So it was late prezzie and it's rather cheap la huh. I had reason though... School just reopened. My bro's broke. I can't spend all my money on her 'cause my dad's boirthday also coming and both my brother's are broke and my dad pretty much don't careabout birthdays, not even his sometimes.) that why must I beso defiant, why I can't do such an easy task for her. OK FINE! I took my hp and started to sms. The details: I only know she wants a pic and HER friend's malay. She didn't say any other details 'cause she's too busy putting me down (Like hello, her other two larling sons didn't even WISH her happy birthday and wealth and health and stuff. I didn't have a present in the morning, but I wished her well before I went to school and when I returned, I'd bought a scarf for her. I thought thoughts count in a way. She wears scarf so why not? She's always feeling down on her birthdays so isn't it just right I gave her some well wishes??). Back... So well, I smsed in polite fluent Malay (except for 1 sentence) and asked her friend for a pic my mum told her about (which I thought she did). So well, the next day, my my, I got ashock when I received an e-mail in ENGLISH, NO MALAY EXCEPT AT THE BEGINNING! She made me sound like I can't speak English or something (which my mum believed when I was young just because I was too shy too converse). Then the pic her friend sent was also wrong since she DID NOT tell her friendwhich pic exactly. So well, respect gone there.

I'm so bad at sequencing.... So well, back to the 'Maths issue'. I got so stressed up after hearing so many Maths that throwing a book damn hard is not enough and I just had to grab my head and cry in the kitchen. Always. This always happen. I felt like dropping A-Maths or better still, to just kill myself to end my misery. That's how far I was stressed up ok... I have absolutely no idea how to survive in JC...

Another issue: I wanted to write in my diary, too tired to write. I wanted to sms someone, but who? I wanted to talk about thiswith someone on msn, but I'm sure I'd get feedbacks I don't wanna hear. I had no place to vent my frustration, to cool myself, to tell all that happened, to just make myself feel better. I had nowhere to turn to but my blog... which is rather safe since no one reads it, except maybe Zakiah (thanks ya). I feel so sad. I really thought I have a bi circle of friends, that my friends would always understand. But today I realise, who would actually sit down with me and lend me an attentive ear and caring heart and just let me talk non-stop? Who would actually listen to the whole story without interrupting and just nod in aggreement? Who would actually read my smses the instant I send to them andreply immediately to reassure me. I do not know. You (whoever you are if you're reading this which I doubt anybody would read since it's so long 'cause of all the pent up feelings and alike) there, you tell me. Would you care enough to listen, to reassure?

Wow, I took 1 hour to write this. At least I've stopped crying... Very sleepy now, good night dear diary. You're the only one who would listen, reassure, keep and the list goes on. Very tired now. I really feel like giving up. I've been holding to Wilson's words. C- Consistent P- Persevere F- Focus. I'm strong enough. I'll survive. Not only that, I'll prosper (dunno what word la)...